Carpool to Hell

Three souls are trapped in the same plane of existence on the downward spiral to Hell. This is their story.

Posts tagged Azrael

"Master"-card

  • Baal: Shovel: $12
  • Baal: Plantation: $2000
  • Baal: Black Person: $17
  • Azrael: Living out your life's dream: Priceless

Point, Counter-Point

  • Azrael: Dude, that guy just cut us off!
  • Leviathan: GOD DAMN ASIANS!!!
  • Baal & Azrael: That was a white guy.
  • Leviathan: ...my point still stands.

Things to Add to Tumblr, and ask [Leviathan]

  • *Discussing an attractive female Jewish professor known by Chernobog and Azrael*
  • Azrael: She said she left it at her house! Bah!
  • Chernobog: You should go to her house and yell "Hey!"
  • Azrael: *seductively* Hey.
  • Chernobog: *Just* like that.
  • Azrael: You're a tree and I'll climb your branches to the fruit. That's straight out of the song of Solomon, baby.
  • Chernobog: If you're going to climb me you'll need to at least wash my feet first.
  • Azrael: Now tell me the truth, there's a secret Jew position isn't there?
  • Chernobog: Now how do we position ourselves to make the Star?
  • Azrael: I forget, is it called the "David" or the "Goldstein"?

Really?

  • *Leviathan reading previous post out loud*
  • Leviathan: What the fuck? Really?
  • Chernobog: I heard about that one. I laughed then, too.
  • Azrael: I'm a good person. Happy...Jew-Christmas.

Menorah = Candles = Fire = Oven

  • *Azrael and Baal at the store looking at Christmas decorations *
  • Baal: Do you think we should get [Leviathan] a menorah?
  • Azrael: Yes! That is an excellent idea.
  • Baal: We can give it to him as a gift.
  • Azrael: And wrap it in wrapping paper!
  • Baal: And put his name on it!
  • Azrael: And hide it in the oven!
  • Baal: That's where they put their presents, like presents under a Christmas tree.

You can masterbate it, but you can't masticate it!

  • *Looking at the couch storage compartment*
  • Chernobog: Wow, you could totally hide a body in there.
  • Azrael: You think we haven't thought of that?
  • Baal: Yeah, there are actually 7 different places to hide bodies in the house. Of course, I'll only tell you about 6 of them, because the last is where we're putting your body.
  • Chernobog: Oh, okay. How would you dispose of me?
  • Azrael: Lime
  • Baal: Various Chemicals. Speaking of which, have you broken any bones?
  • Leviathan: Or tattoos?
  • Chernobog: Yeah...here and here.
  • Baal: Yeah...we'll have to remove those. And you see a dentist regularly, right? Yeah, the head has to come off too.
  • Chernobog: If you're going to cut me up, at least eat my brain and heart to gain their power!
  • Azrael: I was going to eat something else to gain its power.
  • Baal: You can't. You think you'd be the first person to try that? Science has shown that it too tough and stringing to eat.
  • Azrael: Really now?
  • Baal: [Azrael] you cannot eat his penis, it is not like a sausage!

All Present

  • Baal: *clangs glass 3 times on chair*
  • Samael: What are you calling to order?
  • Baal: I'm calling together the "Order of I Slept With your Mom". All present, say aye.
  • Leviathan and Bystander 1: Aye!
  • Azrael: Aye!
  • Bystander 2: Aye!

Super Protein

  • Leviathan: Cut it out! I have a baby growing in my throat!
  • Samael: I have a baby growing in my girlfriend.
  • Leviathan: Wait, really?
  • Samael: Yeah, the abortion is tomorrow.
  • Leviathan: Seriously?
  • Samael: I don't want it!
  • Azrael: I want it.
  • Samael: What?!
  • Azrael: ...good source of protein...
I love old advertising. This is perfect.

I love old advertising. This is perfect.

Dot the Eye

  • Azrael: Oats in your eye!
  • Leviathan: Is that like a chunky cumshot?
  • Azrael: No, it's when you're doing it in a barn in the oats, and the horses watch and are all "NraehHehehe."
  • Leviathan: [Azrael]. You're weird.
  • Azreal: What? Have you never had a threesome where the third person's a horse?